hello, susie.

Blog 64 - actually wrote this on my laptop not the computar.

hi guys,

today i am going to tell a story. a story about a young little girl named susie. susie was 5 years old. susie was a very happy little girl. she liked playing with all the kids during recess, naptime, coloring, and etc.

one day, susie asked her father to help her learn how to write the alphabet. so he did. susie's father gave her a pencil and lots of paper to practice. everything was going well until she had to write the alphabet in capital letters.

susie tried her best to write the capital letter 'A' but apparently, it wasnt good enough. susie's 'A' was too crooked or way to the left or to the right or whatever. after the 15 bajillionth time, susie's father got impatient and started yelling at her.

susie's father kept on saying: ' NO! YOU'RE WRONG! YOU WRITE IT LIKE THIS! '

of course, being a scared little 5 year old, susie started crying but she didnt stop trying to write the letter 'A' the way her father wanted to.

susie's father got impatient and started to be very very mean to susie. he took out a very long rough rope and tied susie down to her chair. susie started to cry even more but never stopped writing the letter 'A' because she wanted to please her father.

susie was very very scared so she accidently 'messed up' the letter 'A' lots of times so susie's father tightened the rope that tied her down.

then, susie's father got really really impatient and started to yell: 'SIT UP STRAIGHT!' and so he wrapped the rope around susie's neck against the back of the chair. susie kept on crying and crying but she still never stopped.

finally, susie wrote the letter 'A' correctly and susie's father let her go.

the end.

if you guys havent noticed, susie is me. this really happened to me when i was little.

im kinda sick and tired of trying to please my father. actually, i am really sick and tired of trying to please myself. forcing myself to not cry when i want to...forcing myself to smile.
im not saying that most of the smiles i make right now are fake, because most of them are real. im just tired of smiling when im really down.

my father started to yell at me today because i wouldnt drive and i wouldnt clean my room. he somehow got to the point where he was all like: you have to have a heart for yourself. which i dont well, i kinda do but not alot.

as he said that, i laughed inside and said to myself, i dont have a heart.

he also asked me: ' doesnt it hurt you because of blah blah blah?'

i didnt say anything but i told myself: ' no, i dont. its all in my head. i cry because of headaches, not because i was hurt.'

my parents always say to me: ' dont you have a heart?' one time, i actually told my mom that i didnt. i told her that i was sick and tired of not feeling hurt. she of course was all like ' what?'

i didnt say anything to her about it afterwards.

i know im a very forgivable person but i still havent forgiven my father. i dunno, i thought i did until today. whenever he starts to talk about my childhood...about how they raised me, i always think back to that indecent and my throat always starts hurting. its a psychological thing. haha.

i actually have scars on my neck because of that. lol. they're not that visible but they're still there.

sometimes i feel like im not a human being. the fact that i cant feel the hurt inside when something bad happens to me just makes me...yeah.
i always question why nothing really hurts me...maybe its because i just dont care? i dunno..

i dont know what where im heading with this. haha. i guess i just wanted to let it all out.

yeah.

i apologize if i start bursting into tears randomly in the next couple of days. haha.

i need to clean my room. my dad kinda took my door away...literally. LOL.
i need my door back. xD


lol, i feel better now. and i need a hug from all of you guys. :D

<3

Blog end - 2:08pm.

ziggy. <3

edit-4:27pm.

I GOT MY DOOR BACK. WOO! XD